Have you ever really stopped to listen to the narrator in your head and wondered just who was doing all the talking? Or gazed into a mirror and not recognized the person staring back?
That was me. In all honesty, some days it still is me.
The last couple years have been a journey. A journey back to me, of sorts. Buried in the piles of laundry and dishes, weary from the business and busyness of raising four little humans, I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror and didn’t recognize the person I had become and I didn’t agree with all that the voice in my head had to say.
I’ve been paralyzed trying to find words, any words, that wouldn’t offend someone. Or everyone, for that matter. For years roadblocked by fear, shame and people-pleasing, I’m leaning on grace, breaking through the barricades, finding my voice again.
It’s taking one-foot-in-front-of-the-other, travel at your own risk, hard steps of faith, but I’m moving forward, seeing and experiencing breathtaking views like never before. A little further up, a little further in.
Although the scenery changes and I’m being changed, I know that Truth does not change. Truth is true whether I believe it or not, whether I feel it or not. I cannot make it what, or whom, I want it to be, but it is to be searched out, sought after, pursued. I also know that Truth is Love poured out, offered as a sacrifice, given for us. And in this life, in our pursuit of Truth, we are transformed into the image of Love. Which means who we are today, will be changed. The more we learn, the more we grow, and the more we pursue Jesus, the more we become like Him.
We become like what we behold.
But boy, do I have a long way to go. We all have a long way to go which is the beauty of this life: the traveling together, the growing together, the learning together.
So, I’m learning the art of speaking with conviction and humility all at the same time. Because friends, I pray and trust that who I am today will grow and be changed into the person I am tomorrow. I’m not afraid of saying, “Teach me, show me, change me.” The unknown doesn’t scare me anymore and neither does confessing I don’t have all the answers. The ones I do have will be put to the test, refined in the fire, and purified. You may read and hear a lot of the dross coming to the surface, but I’m trusting God to skim it right off the top and leave what is good and true in the end.
I’m walking out of this wilderness with a better sense of who I’m created to be and starting to recognize my face, my voice and my heart all over again. I remember, once again, that I cannot find me without finding Jesus first.
Perhaps you are also on a journey back? It’s a journey for sure, but one I’ve realized that we’re not meant to travel alone.
It may be risky but won’t you join me?